Inside my space

I have many hobbies. I love art and crafts. Photography, sewing, creating, crochet, drawing, watercolor, playing with paints and art supplies. I can see something and break it down in my head and just know how it’s made.

I think I like art and crafts because they are never ending. There is always something new to learn or do. Other things I did I mastered and got bored with. I’ll take a picture one day and show you what my art supplies and planners look like.

I love organization. I love to organize and am always looking for a better way to have things. I like to compartmentalize things. I love the look of bullet journals but I can’t have personal memory type stuff with typical to do lists. So I have a ton of planners and notebooks. I’m the old school paper writing and planner type. I love technology but I just can’t do digitsl journals and plsnners beyond a to buy list from walmart. Now I do like to screen shot things I want and save it on a to-do app.

Inner Demons

I’ve spent so much time Doubting myself Punishing myself Beyond my crimes If only I could believe In myself In goodness That would be such a reprieve I need to stop being so scared What ifs I can’ts In my head being blared I need to just make the jump Trust myself And my God Realize the bad is just a hump Know that my God will Release me Pull through Extraordinary God, not run of the mill With me He’ll always be By my side Through it all Watch, you will see

Universal Attachments

You haunted my dreams again last night. You didn’t haunt as much as charge through, demand that I told you the truth and admitted your undying love for me.

I have begged and pleaded that you quit coming into my sleep. It’s been years since I’ve seen you last. We talk a couple times a year but it’s never anything of substance. I just want you to quit disturbing my conscious. I dream of you at least once a week but they have been reaching magnitude. It went from you being there to us talking to me admitting that I wanted you. I’ve been wanting you. Since the moment I saw you over 14 years ago, I’ve wanted you to be mine. I’m fairly certain that at several points you wanted me too.

Like the time I visited at 18 and you picked me up and we talked. Or when I said I was leaving my husband and you broke up with your girlfriend the same day. Now you are married to her.

Like a country song, that could have been me. If i wasn’t so terrified of losing a friend, whom I’m not even friends with anymore by the way, I could have been there. I could have seen my ‘what if’ play out. Why am I so attached to you on some cosmic level? Every other boyfriend, whether bad or good, has departed from my conscious but yet you keep coming around. Are you thinking of me too? Is the universe trying to keep us linked by some invisible string?

A Little Update

First of all, I should probably update this more often, but ya know, I was never good with keeping up with journals. Second of all, Welcome to the Crazy that is 2020 thus far.

April 8th, 2020

AS you all know about the corona virus right now, I’m not going to waste my time on semantics. I will however tell you how I am dealing with it. When this first started, I was alright. My kid’s activities got cancelled and that was okay. I understood. Then the public schoolers were sent to homeschool and my mind was like “hah! All these public school parents who told me they didn’t have the patience for this gets a little revenge’ XD But then my constants closed. The library system which we frequented every Thursday at least, usually more than once a week. Then the farmer’s market which we have been attending for years and started working in October closed because we couldn’t meet on our town’s property.

I LOST IT.

I called every privately owned business around trying to find a place that would host it. I mean it’s essential. Fruit, veggies, bread, meat, milk. Right? RIGHT?!?!? I pulled every string I could with businesses near by to no avail. Thank God it was only closed for a week. Now it’s in a different location, but at least it’s happening and it’s with people I know and am familiar with. So I can cope.

We are due to have our second one tomorrow at this new location. I have sewn masks for myself and my kids stay in the car playing during it to not risk exposure. But I made masks for them, just in case. We know how kids are.

It took me 2 weeks after the stay at home order to adjust to my “new” routine. I felt out of control and very upset about it. I’m used to being able to go to the park and meet with friends there. I’m very scared about this virus. Not necessarily about me or my family contracting it, but so many others. Our county has steadily risen this past week, in confirmed cases and deaths, and we are NOT a metropolis by far. People in this town seem to think that it’s okay to run to the store for everything still and if they are bored. That is not helping matters. Plus our governor is essentially an idiot. That definitely is not helping matters.

I pray this is all over quickly and the people I love are still left standing.

Brick Walls

Thank God for brick walls. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t overcome and accomplish things. If it weren’t for someone telling me I couldn’t, I wouldn’t have. If I had an easy way out, I would take it every time. Despite knowing that the better consequences are to overcome whatever is frustrating me. Once I set my mind to DO it, LEARN it, BE it; nothing gets in my way. I’m not sure if this is an aspie thing or just my personality, but I’m finding more of these 2 go hand in hand.

Today my brick wall was Michael’s telling me I couldn’t return my cricut…. because I couldn’t get it to work or do what I needed it to do. I came home, asked online, watched some videos, and I did it.

High Alert

I feel like my autism is on high alert today.

My plan was to stay home all day and work on chores and projects around the house. I had just gotten into the bathtub and was 5 pages in to my new book when my kids asked to go to the story time at the library. I didn’t want to go because it wasn’t in the plan. But I went. I wish I hadn’t. I hadn’t eaten breakfast yet so I was irritable from that, I didn’t get to relax in the bath and start a good book that I figured I would work on the rest of the day between chores. The kids were running around and being loud and crazy at the library. My whole day was thrown off. So I watched tv and just played around on my phone for a few hours. I got tired of sitting there so I came in the office to type this up. I found a pen that I had stuck upside down this morning so I had to fix it. I just feel so off and awkward.

New Mildliners and Pens

I am a “typical” aspie. I love and obsess over something, until I don’t.

What you don’t see is the compulsion behind that. I recently (last 6 months) got into journalling. With that, I needed some accessories. So I bought some pens. Then I bought some highlighters. Then I bought different pens. And I became obsessed with these highlighters, mildliners. I had all of them except ONE. I waited and waited and stalked Michael’s until they restocked their mildliners. FINALLY they had restocked the color I needed. Then I saw 2 others I didn’t have. That was yesterday. I bought the 1 mildliner, Summer Green, that I needed. Today I went back because I OBSESSED over the thought of not having the last 2 highlighters. While there, I discovered that there was actually 3 I didn’t have. Yes, I bought all 3.

What people don’t understand is that if there is something that has a complete collection, I OBSESS over it until it’s complete. Then I enjoy it for a little while and the thrill is gone. I did it with a little people zoo set I found for the kids when they were younger. I went to Toys R Us week after week until I had all the animals that it would read off. Then I sold the whole thing a couple weeks later. Don’t worry, I was more fascinated by it than the children. They had too many other toys to worry about where this one went.

It’s the same with a skill. I will practice and do something until I’ve mastered it, then I’m over it. This is why I have learned to do hobbies that include many aspects. Crochet — loads of stitches and projects. Photography — Different subjects and types. Painting and Drawing– Can study anything and there are MANY mediums. Plus, I don’t think you ever master a medium. There’s always something to learn.

Anyways, that’s how I came to own all the mildliners. I’ve been able to resist buying all of some things. For example, I have a few different brands and types of pens and I love them all for different reasons, but I don’t have every single color of that particular pen. I have a happy planner(s) and I don’t have the sticker books nor all the types of happy planners. I have thought about it, sure. However, I have talked myself out of it. Researching and becoming an intentional minimalist has helped a lot. It shifted my thinking from I NEED to I want, but let me think about it. Over half the time I don’t even go back for whatever it was.

November 20, 2019

Today we did lessons. Watching my oldest cry over anything even remotely hard is extremely frustrating to me. I feel like he should take a breathe and try. He would rather fuss and whine. Also feeling that he should know things that I knew at that age frustrates me. I know I have to teach him but clearly my kids are gifted or observant like I am. I know it isn’t their fault. It’s something I’m learning to deal with.

Afterwards my youngest had a doctor’s appointment and he’d to get shots. Holding him down for them really hurt me. We went to Walmart for a treat afterwards. I’m currently in bed typing this and feeling drained. Doesn’t help that my kids were crazy at the doctor’s office before the shots. They mentally wear me out some days.