I bought a weighted blanket a couple months ago.
I was always the have-to-have-a-thick-blanket-on-me even when it’s 120 outside type of person. As a kid I piled like 5 blankets on me. So I decided to try a weighted blanket. GAME CHANGER. Now I can have my weighted blanket on me and a fuzzy blanket on top of that. Talk about a total sensory happy sleep. The one I have is cooling so great for the southern nights.
Last night I fell asleep without it on me and I woke up in the middle of the night, something I haven‘t done in a long time except by outside forces. It felt like I was going to float off the bed. I felt so weird and airy and just out of it. I realized what was wrong and threw it over me and drifted off into a blissful sleep, but not before realizing that I felt grounded with it on me. I wish I had discovered it years ago. I’ve been happier in the mornings. I actually gave up coffee a few weeks ago because I didn’t need it anymore.
If you have been hesitating to get one, don’t any more. It changed my life.
Let me tell you how it came to be that I realized that I was autistic.
I had a very rough, crappy childhood, well really until my early 20’s. I always felt slightly different than other people but never really thought too much about it. I had friends that loved me and stuck by me. I was in the gifted program in elementary and middle school. I taught myself how to read at age 3. Just very advanced compared to most kids my age.
Fast forward. I had kids. My daughter was really struggling one weekend. She went to a friend’s house after scouts on Friday nights and had been doing so for a few weeks. This weekend though I get a phone call. “I need you to come get her. I can’t get her to calm down.”
This family had plans to go to a festival with another family the next afternoon and my daughter had a meltdown (probably fueled by the sugar and sleeplessness) and couldn’t calm down. She made all these accusations about the friend saying she never wanted to be friends again, etc. She also had high anxiety. I stopped to get a shot of the moon one night and she panicked thinking someone was going to shoot us on the side of the road. Also that someone was going to break into her window at night and kill her. Her window is at least 30 feet in the air. Just irrational thoughts.
So I started googling. What the HECK is going on?! Generalized childhood anxiety? No. She only hit one or 2 of those markers. Highly sensitive personality? Sort of but not quite. Couldn’t be autism because she doesn’t do those things. She’s very social and doesn’t exactly fixate on things. Wait. Autism in girls is almost the exact opposite of autism in boys?! Hold up. Okay yeah she does this and this and this. But she doesn’t hand flap.
Then I found a blog post from a mom figuring out her daughter was autistic. Her daughter didn’t hand flap either, but she twirled. MY daughter twirled. But only in places like Walmart. Ya know, with all the bright lights and lots of people?
As I went on this journey of discovering who my daughter was, I was having flashbacks of things *I* went through while reading off symptoms of autism in girls. Based on all the abuse I had endured C-PTSD, Depression, and Anxiety also summed me up and part of the autism thing. So I didn’t really say much, just sat on this and started my journey on healing myself. As more things have cleared up, the autistic traits have become intensified. The dead ringer for me was the extras, like hearing electricity, the color white looking ultraviolet, and more.
It has been a wild, crazy past few years discovering myself and helping my daughter the best way I can.
So I’m a generally talkative person until I’m not.
Went to a friend’s daughter’s birthday party day. Great. Got to see my friend’s, talk with them, for THREE hours. Came home to cook dinner and I don’t want to talk to anyone the rest of the day.
You may think oh it’s because you are an introvert. Yes and no. It’s so much more deep than that. I like some people, really can’t stand the ones that aren’t my friends. I like being home because it’s my comfort zone. I have spent the past 7 years building this home into something that pleases me and I can be who I naturally am and I don’t have to mask. I have my items, my books, my art supplies, my soft blankets. The world is so overwhelming that I can only take it in doses. I LOVE to talk to my friends and hear what’s going on in their lives. But it is so tiring.
It’s not just my friends and social situtstions though. My kids tire me. They will talk so much and I will answer so much, that I just have to be quiet. I physically cannot do the small chatter and answering questions and hearing “mom why do you think they….” anymore. Thank God for noise cancelling ear buds and music. Music and nature really recharge me.
It’s been an interesting year. 2020 threw us all upside down and sideways.
I lost all of my jobs. Not because of the virus but because of other circumstances. It’s been enlightening. I miss making my own money. I miss feeling like I was doing something. I’ve been working on my art more. I’ve discovered more things about autism that make me go ahuh.
I keep thinking about blog posts on how my mind works but I keep forgetting the post topics as they typically come to me in the middle of the night. That’s when all of our best ideas come don’t they? When we are slightly inconvienced to write it down; shower, in bed, doing laundry, driving.
I have many hobbies. I love art and crafts. Photography, sewing, creating, crochet, drawing, watercolor, playing with paints and art supplies. I can see something and break it down in my head and just know how it’s made.
I think I like art and crafts because they are never ending. There is always something new to learn or do. Other things I did I mastered and got bored with. I’ll take a picture one day and show you what my art supplies and planners look like.
I love organization. I love to organize and am always looking for a better way to have things. I like to compartmentalize things. I love the look of bullet journals but I can’t have personal memory type stuff with typical to do lists. So I have a ton of planners and notebooks. I’m the old school paper writing and planner type. I love technology but I just can’t do digitsl journals and plsnners beyond a to buy list from walmart. Now I do like to screen shot things I want and save it on a to-do app.
I’ve spent so much time Doubting myself Punishing myself Beyond my crimes If only I could believe In myself In goodness That would be such a reprieve I need to stop being so scared What ifs I can’ts In my head being blared I need to just make the jump Trust myself And my God Realize the bad is just a hump Know that my God will Release me Pull through Extraordinary God, not run of the mill With me He’ll always be By my side Through it all Watch, you will see
You haunted my dreams again last night. You didn’t haunt as much as charge through, demand that I told you the truth and admitted your undying love for me.
I have begged and pleaded that you quit coming into my sleep. It’s been years since I’ve seen you last. We talk a couple times a year but it’s never anything of substance. I just want you to quit disturbing my conscious. I dream of you at least once a week but they have been reaching magnitude. It went from you being there to us talking to me admitting that I wanted you. I’ve been wanting you. Since the moment I saw you over 14 years ago, I’ve wanted you to be mine. I’m fairly certain that at several points you wanted me too.
Like the time I visited at 18 and you picked me up and we talked. Or when I said I was leaving my husband and you broke up with your girlfriend the same day. Now you are married to her.
Like a country song, that could have been me. If i wasn’t so terrified of losing a friend, whom I’m not even friends with anymore by the way, I could have been there. I could have seen my ‘what if’ play out. Why am I so attached to you on some cosmic level? Every other boyfriend, whether bad or good, has departed from my conscious but yet you keep coming around. Are you thinking of me too? Is the universe trying to keep us linked by some invisible string?
First of all, I should probably update this more often, but ya know, I was never good with keeping up with journals. Second of all, Welcome to the Crazy that is 2020 thus far.
April 8th, 2020
AS you all know about the corona virus right now, I’m not going to waste my time on semantics. I will however tell you how I am dealing with it. When this first started, I was alright. My kid’s activities got cancelled and that was okay. I understood. Then the public schoolers were sent to homeschool and my mind was like “hah! All these public school parents who told me they didn’t have the patience for this gets a little revenge’ XD But then my constants closed. The library system which we frequented every Thursday at least, usually more than once a week. Then the farmer’s market which we have been attending for years and started working in October closed because we couldn’t meet on our town’s property.
I LOST IT.
I called every privately owned business around trying to find a place that would host it. I mean it’s essential. Fruit, veggies, bread, meat, milk. Right? RIGHT?!?!? I pulled every string I could with businesses near by to no avail. Thank God it was only closed for a week. Now it’s in a different location, but at least it’s happening and it’s with people I know and am familiar with. So I can cope.
We are due to have our second one tomorrow at this new location. I have sewn masks for myself and my kids stay in the car playing during it to not risk exposure. But I made masks for them, just in case. We know how kids are.
It took me 2 weeks after the stay at home order to adjust to my “new” routine. I felt out of control and very upset about it. I’m used to being able to go to the park and meet with friends there. I’m very scared about this virus. Not necessarily about me or my family contracting it, but so many others. Our county has steadily risen this past week, in confirmed cases and deaths, and we are NOT a metropolis by far. People in this town seem to think that it’s okay to run to the store for everything still and if they are bored. That is not helping matters. Plus our governor is essentially an idiot. That definitely is not helping matters.
I pray this is all over quickly and the people I love are still left standing.
Thank God for brick walls. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t overcome and accomplish things. If it weren’t for someone telling me I couldn’t, I wouldn’t have. If I had an easy way out, I would take it every time. Despite knowing that the better consequences are to overcome whatever is frustrating me. Once I set my mind to DO it, LEARN it, BE it; nothing gets in my way. I’m not sure if this is an aspie thing or just my personality, but I’m finding more of these 2 go hand in hand.
Today my brick wall was Michael’s telling me I couldn’t return my cricut…. because I couldn’t get it to work or do what I needed it to do. I came home, asked online, watched some videos, and I did it.
I feel like my autism is on high alert today.
My plan was to stay home all day and work on chores and projects around the house. I had just gotten into the bathtub and was 5 pages in to my new book when my kids asked to go to the story time at the library. I didn’t want to go because it wasn’t in the plan. But I went. I wish I hadn’t. I hadn’t eaten breakfast yet so I was irritable from that, I didn’t get to relax in the bath and start a good book that I figured I would work on the rest of the day between chores. The kids were running around and being loud and crazy at the library. My whole day was thrown off. So I watched tv and just played around on my phone for a few hours. I got tired of sitting there so I came in the office to type this up. I found a pen that I had stuck upside down this morning so I had to fix it. I just feel so off and awkward.