Brick Walls

Thank God for brick walls. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t overcome and accomplish things. If it weren’t for someone telling me I couldn’t, I wouldn’t have. If I had an easy way out, I would take it every time. Despite knowing that the better consequences are to overcome whatever is frustrating me. Once I set my mind to DO it, LEARN it, BE it; nothing gets in my way. I’m not sure if this is an aspie thing or just my personality, but I’m finding more of these 2 go hand in hand.

Today my brick wall was Michael’s telling me I couldn’t return my cricut…. because I couldn’t get it to work or do what I needed it to do. I came home, asked online, watched some videos, and I did it.

High Alert

I feel like my autism is on high alert today.

My plan was to stay home all day and work on chores and projects around the house. I had just gotten into the bathtub and was 5 pages in to my new book when my kids asked to go to the story time at the library. I didn’t want to go because it wasn’t in the plan. But I went. I wish I hadn’t. I hadn’t eaten breakfast yet so I was irritable from that, I didn’t get to relax in the bath and start a good book that I figured I would work on the rest of the day between chores. The kids were running around and being loud and crazy at the library. My whole day was thrown off. So I watched tv and just played around on my phone for a few hours. I got tired of sitting there so I came in the office to type this up. I found a pen that I had stuck upside down this morning so I had to fix it. I just feel so off and awkward.

New Mildliners and Pens

I am a “typical” aspie. I love and obsess over something, until I don’t.

What you don’t see is the compulsion behind that. I recently (last 6 months) got into journalling. With that, I needed some accessories. So I bought some pens. Then I bought some highlighters. Then I bought different pens. And I became obsessed with these highlighters, mildliners. I had all of them except ONE. I waited and waited and stalked Michael’s until they restocked their mildliners. FINALLY they had restocked the color I needed. Then I saw 2 others I didn’t have. That was yesterday. I bought the 1 mildliner, Summer Green, that I needed. Today I went back because I OBSESSED over the thought of not having the last 2 highlighters. While there, I discovered that there was actually 3 I didn’t have. Yes, I bought all 3.

What people don’t understand is that if there is something that has a complete collection, I OBSESS over it until it’s complete. Then I enjoy it for a little while and the thrill is gone. I did it with a little people zoo set I found for the kids when they were younger. I went to Toys R Us week after week until I had all the animals that it would read off. Then I sold the whole thing a couple weeks later. Don’t worry, I was more fascinated by it than the children. They had too many other toys to worry about where this one went.

It’s the same with a skill. I will practice and do something until I’ve mastered it, then I’m over it. This is why I have learned to do hobbies that include many aspects. Crochet — loads of stitches and projects. Photography — Different subjects and types. Painting and Drawing– Can study anything and there are MANY mediums. Plus, I don’t think you ever master a medium. There’s always something to learn.

Anyways, that’s how I came to own all the mildliners. I’ve been able to resist buying all of some things. For example, I have a few different brands and types of pens and I love them all for different reasons, but I don’t have every single color of that particular pen. I have a happy planner(s) and I don’t have the sticker books nor all the types of happy planners. I have thought about it, sure. However, I have talked myself out of it. Researching and becoming an intentional minimalist has helped a lot. It shifted my thinking from I NEED to I want, but let me think about it. Over half the time I don’t even go back for whatever it was.

November 20, 2019

Today we did lessons. Watching my oldest cry over anything even remotely hard is extremely frustrating to me. I feel like he should take a breathe and try. He would rather fuss and whine. Also feeling that he should know things that I knew at that age frustrates me. I know I have to teach him but clearly my kids are gifted or observant like I am. I know it isn’t their fault. It’s something I’m learning to deal with.

Afterwards my youngest had a doctor’s appointment and he’d to get shots. Holding him down for them really hurt me. We went to Walmart for a treat afterwards. I’m currently in bed typing this and feeling drained. Doesn’t help that my kids were crazy at the doctor’s office before the shots. They mentally wear me out some days.